I Want a Parrot for my Bithday to Simplify my Mornings

Would a parrot simplify your morning routine?
As I constantly seek ways to make my life easier, I think I am going to ask for a parrot for my birthday in March. I am not anti-bird—I love all animals. The parrot would be safe--he’d be either encaged or big and mean enough that at least three of the four cats would not bother him. (And it’s almost spring so we never see the fourth cat anyway.) Sure, birds can be a little loud and messy—but, hey, I have 3 kids, 4 cats, an indoor foxhound, and a husband—could it be any worse? Really?

See—I have a plan. Instead of ME personally telling the youngest 8 times to get dressed every morning—with a parrot, I’d only have to say it once. Look at how much more efficient I’d be!

I could tell Madelyn that it’s time to get dressed, remind Macy to brush her teeth, AND tell Max the psycho dog to “STOP THAT, MAX” (which also rhymes with “DROP THAT, MAX”, making it even better)—and let the parrot repeat it all….over and over and over..while I’m making lunches, cleaning the snow off cars, finding missing socks and trying to figure out if today’s gym day or library day. Otherwise I have to stop what I’m doing in 2 minute intervals to see (1) if Madelyn’s dressed in clothes instead of pajamas (2) if Macy’s ever brushed her teeth, and (3) which Barbie doll has been sentenced to death by Max on a given morning. I think a parrot would solve all of my morning problems. If, of course, he could “pass” my husband a towel from the upstairs hallway linen closet to the bathroom shower when I'm 50 feet away in the kitchen. (Note to self: read up on parrot fetch and retrieve training--and towel weight bearing tolerance....hee hee...maybe the parrot could be trained instead to prod one untrainable foxhound into the bathroom with said towel and one sharp parrot beak to the tail...who said my years of training as a researcher and scientist are all lost in mommyhood?)

I think I would even consider HIRING a parrot. Anybody know a good rent-a-parrot program? I may have to supply parrot body armor in the event of housecat invasion—but, I think food, water, and bird sized body armor would be a slight price to pay for saving my vocal cords over the next 10 years.

Parrots live to be 50 or so, right? Once the kids are gone, I’m sure I’ll have a new dog to break in—and the parrot can certainly nag my husband effectively for another 40 years…I think the price of a parrot is a bargain for the return of my voice, the removal of the tension in my neck and the sake of my morning sanity.

Yes, I am putting a parrot on my birthday list---and yes, he's somewhere ABOVE the new slow cooker and fact, he would only fall BELOW, say, the trip to Aruba or boarding school for the teenager....

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